The sad thing is that most of us have suffered some form of verbal abuse as children and although the form and extent may vary, the damage is the same. The impacts on our self-esteem, our confidence, or our self-images are always the ones to suffer the most impact. Parents often say hurtful things to children through forms of criticism. The feeling of not being "good enough" has hit us all once or twice, but there are those who feel it way more often than not. These events are traumatic for a child and the effects last well into adulthood. It is sad to see how many people become dependant on pleasing people. A lot of people will put their own happiness aside to please another. (side story) I remember a close friend of mine getting burnt out trying to please everyone around them. That person is very kind and caring obviously, but what is scary is the type of people they attracted. They got into so many bad situations because they were in the grasp of opportunists and manipulators. I remember a time they had given all of their income to their partner simply because the partner had told them to. When they separated, they had lost all of the money they had entrusted to their ex-lover. The sad fact is that my friend was a people pleaser and very trusting. The point is this, the constant disappointment with her parent (s) and constant criticism allowed my friend to become so dependent on making people happy. The lack of self-love kept my friend in destructive situations that in the end made her the loser.
Attachment theory and parenting styles are determinants in the development of character. This is why it is so important as parents and adults to be aware of the way we talk to children. Adult voices become the foundation of a child's conscience. It is important to know that parents who use positivity and encouragement raise children to have better self-esteem, confidence, and self-image in the long run.
What does this look like?
The Montessori approach nearly has it spot on
At the end of the day, the more you recognize the language you use with your children, the better you are at making the changes you need to ensure that your words help your children grow up happy and healthy.
References
Önder, A. aonder@marmara. edu. t., Dağal, A. B. asudebd@marmara. edu. t., & Bayındır, D. dilanbayindir@gmail. co. (2018). The Predictive Effect of Preschool Children’s Temperament Characteristics and Parenting Styles of Mothers on Ego Resiliency Level of Children. Education & Science / Egitim ve Bilim, 42(193), 79–90. https://doi.org/10.15390/EB.2018.7044
Pinquart, M. pinquart@staff. uni-marburg. d., & Gerke, D.-C. (2019). Associations of Parenting Styles with Self-Esteem in Children and Adolescents: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 28(8), 2017–2035. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-019-01417-5
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